Speaking of Football...

One of the best things about taking up being a Sports Fan as a hobby is Sports Related Snacks. There are so many fun, quick-worded foods involved in watching sports. Foods like chips and dips and wings and slices and rolls and pockets and sticks! I love it. I especially love sports snacks that combine 2 other snacks, like the Pizza Roll, or the Pretzel Nacho. Unfortunately, a lot of the best pre-made sports snacks are not friendly to persons with Gluten Allergy. Which would make me very grumpy, if my cousin Jessie hadn't introduced me to the best and most delicious combined-snack football food ever: The Buffalo Chicken Cheese Dip. Oh yes.

Rachel Ray, I am only slightly sorry for stealing your delicious photo.

You will need:

20 Ounces of Shredded Chicken.
(I'm a big fan of re-inventing left-overs, so I usually only make this when I have some chicken already in the fridge, but if you don't, a cheap and easy alternative is canned chunk chicken. Look, we can't all be Martha Stewart, and Gluten Free living is expensive enough!)

16 Ounces of softened Cream Cheese

1 Cup of Hot Sauce (I use Louisiana Crystal)

and 1 1/2 cups of shredded Cheddar Cheese.

Optional Additions:
1/3 Cup chopped Jalapeno Peppers (to garnish)

Some recipes I've seen call for a cup of ranch or blue cheese dressing as well. I've never found a GF Ranch I liked, blue cheese isn't GF friendly and Jessie didn't use it in her recipe, (which is bangin') So I omit it, but if you don't have diet restrictions and would like a thinner dip, go ahead and add a cup of whichever you choose.

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees, and in a casserole dish, mix the chicken, cream cheese, hot sauce, (dressing, if your using it) and one cup of the shredded cheese all together. Top with remaining shredded cheese and jalapeno garnish.

Bake for about 10-20 minutes, depending on how deep your dish is, or until top layer of cheese is bubbly.

Serve with celery sticks, tortilla chips, and/or GF crackers and pretzels.

May I also recommend a sturdy GF beer, like Red Bridge, for maximum Football Enjoyment?

Yeah,  now that's the stuff!

Why ISN'T This a thing?!

So I was watching the sad spectacle of the Tuesday Night, Post-Blizzard Eagles vs Vikings game that was supposed to be football, and the game was just terrible. Everybody was fumbling, no one was getting any yardage, even the officials were mis-calling plays. It was a really off game, difficult to watch, and by 9:15 Andy Reid was turning into a Walrus, in the way of those live-action Disney movies from the 60's where all a sudden everybody's in cartoon land, and the Eagles were 7 points up, and Minnesota hadn't been anywhere near the end zone so I thought I might just put myself to bed.
Ohhh, but it was so close to halftime, and my husband's lap where my head was resting was sooo very comfortable, and even though my eyes were turning coaches into large sea mammals, my ears were still receiving the game accurately, so, ok, I'll just stay up for the rest of the quarter, and then to bed, for real.
But then what do you think happens?! Minnesota recovers a fumble and makes a 45 yard dash for a touchdown. God Damnit! Why do things always have to get interesting exactly when I get really sleepy? 

So now I'm torn. I really can't keep my eyes open another second, and I really don't want to miss anything exciting.
And then, I had a scathingly brilliant idea!
"Man, I wish I could go to sleep and then dream I was watching the game, so then I wouldn't miss anything."

Think about it! Now, I don't mean, like, put a patch in my head that would allow me to watch football in my sleep. Because I'm pretty sure that would screw you up in a lot of ways. But what if you could add certain elements of actual information into your dreams. Sort of engineered lucid dreaming. So you would still dream, and your brain could do all the stuff it uses dreams to do, but there would be a controlled element to the dream that would also allow you to take in information while you sleep. So I could dream myself watching the actual football game as it was broadcast on TV (rather than say, dreaming a football game, where my brain just controls everything) but everything around me watching the game would be true dream elements, so my brain could still do it's thing. So, you know, There might be some baby ducks on my coffee table, or my husband's head might be a pineapple, but I wouldn't miss any sports.
Of course, such a cool thing has way more valuable implications than being able to go to sleep and still catch a night game. I mean, you could attend a lecture, or a class (except you might find yourself in your underpants). Depending on how we could make it work, you might even get to travel, or explore places we can't normally go when awake, like underwater or into space. By introducing just one controlled element and letting your brain take over the rest, who knows what sort of inspiring and educational experiences we could have.
Oh my goodness! Imagine if we could combine it with my hibernation proposition! Then we could sleep and STILL be productive! You could go to college every winter! In your sleep! I am a genius!

Unfortunately, the first person I discussed this idea with was my husband Scott, who's major source of enjoyment in life is bursting my iridescent idea-bubbles. I hate it when he does that.
"Isn't that a great idea baby!!??" I exclaim, newly awake with inspirational excitement.
"Sure. Sure, it's a great idea. Then everybody can dream commercials."
"No, but! I mean! But that's not...! I mean we should use it for good things. Like education. And football."
"Yeah, but you know that's what would happen." I hate it even more when he is totally right.
Still, I think it is a good idea. Most awesome ideas are corruptible in some way, but it doesn't make them bad ideas.
And I hold out hope that some day soon, people will finally get sick of being saturated with consumerism, and the anti-advertisement counter-culture revolution will kick in. That's another great idea I've been working on.
Someday, Scott Nay-sayer,  someday.

It's too cold, let's order Chinese!

It snowed again in Raleigh. Four inches, maybe? Which in Raleigh terms is EIGHT FEET of ICY MADNESS. At least. You can tell it's a lot by the use of capitalization. Dramatic effect is everything.

When it's cold outside, I have compulsions I have to deal with. I have to watch several bad movies one right after another. I have to wear pajamas, the uglier, the better. And I need to cook. Baking is ideal, but I'm sugared out from the holidays. So you know what is delicious AND nutritious?

Beef & Broccoli Fake Takeout.

Here's what you need:
Soy Sauce, a few tablespoons, add as needed (I like Kikkoman, which has been tested to be gluten free AND you can get MSG-free. MSG gives me headaches.)
1/2 lb Thinly sliced beef (I get it pre-cut)
Broccoli, a whole head of it, chopped up
ginger (fresh - grate up about a 1/2 teaspoon; powdered - about 1 tsp, add to taste)
Onions, 1 big yellow one
Olive or sesame oil, a few tablespoons to taste
Oyster sauce, 1 tablespoon (Panda Brand for GF!!)
Garlic (I buy the minced in oil kind, because it's great for lazy cooks and then your hands won't smell!)

Toss onions in water, soy sauce, and oil (one tablespoon each) and 1 tsp of that minced garlic in a hot saucepan until the onions are translucent, medium heat. Add beef and let brown. Remove and set aside.

Blanch broccoli for one minute (blanching is dropping the food in already-boiling water) then drain (this gives it the bright green crunchy finish)

Then stir fry throw all the other ingredients in a large pan and add the broccoli and beef. Add liquid of your choice (oyster, soy, oil, water) if it's sticking.

Some notes: If you don't like a runny sauce, you can add a bit of cornstarch to thicken the broth after before you throw in the beef and broccoli. It reminds me of snot, so I don't do it. But you can. If you like your sauce a bit saltier, add more soy sauce rather than oil/oyster sauce. Or if you like a sweeter finish, add a dash of brown sugar. Also, I didn't include instructions for rice, because I'm bored by rice right now. But I love it over rice vermicelli, which you can buy at Asian grocery stores.

Remember that there are multiple ways of tenderizing beef - yes, you can buy meat tenderizer. But if you're mad, you should probably invest in a mallet and smack your dinner around a bit. (This will break down muscle fibers in the beef and make it tender, and you will have a delicious way to relieve stress!)

Also, you can skip the beef and use the sauce on any vegetables. It's so tasty; it tricks kids into liking vegetables.

Easy Cheesy

My dear friend Barry Kriebel and I have a time-honored tradition of Jane Austin movies and Kraft Mac n' Cheese. While we're flexible on the movies, (The Secret Garden, A Little Princess, Tom Jones, A&E's version of fill-in-the-blank all substitute nicely, and can be peppered with the occasional Kathy & Mo, AbFab, or French and Saunders) the Mac n' Cheese was a very rigid ritual.

2 boxes of Kraft Mac n' Cheese, Butter (NOT Margarine!) whole milk, exactly 2 slices of real American Cheese, 2 over-sized coffee mugs that are actually bowls, one spoon (Barry) and one fork (Molli) and a whole lot of pepper.
Yes, it's gross to eat a whole box of Kraft Mac n' Cheese in one go, but it is sooooo delicious. And as a once-a-year ritual, c'mon!

Of course, that was before I discovered my gluten allergy, and before Kriebel had to have his gall-bladder removed (speedy recovery, my dear friend!) Suffice to say, our Kraft Mac n' Cheese days must come to and end.

Still, Mac n' Cheese is one of my favorite comfort foods of all times, and I'm not quite ready to relinquish it entirely. After a lot of experimenting, I think I've come up with a recipe that is as delicious and comforting, and certainly healthier than my processed-food favorite. So in honor of Mr. Kriebel, who is in recovery as we speak, here is Molli's Movie Day Mac n' Cheese:

2 cups of gluten free Pasta. I recommend Tinkyada Pasta Joy Rice Pasta. It is easy to cook, has the perfect texture, and comes in a curly-fry shape that is fun!

1 cup of milk (I use 2 % these days, but whatever you like)

1/2 cup sharp cheddar cheese, grated

1/2 cup Colby jack cheese, grated

1/4 cup Parmesan cheese

2 slices of American cheese (optional, but necessary for the Barry Kriebel Experience)

2 tablespoons corn starch

2 tablespoons of butter

salt and pepper to taste.

Prepare the pasta following the package directions. ( If you're unfamiliar with gluten-free pasta, it requires more water and a longer cook time than regular.)

While you're pasta is boiling, in a sauce pan on low heat, melt the better into the milk, stirring constantly with a wire whisk. When the butter is melted, whisk in 1 TBSP of corn starch until there are no lumps.

Increase to medium heat and add shredded cheeses a little at a time, continuing to stir with whisk. When all the cheese is melted, the sauce should still be thin.

By now your pasta should be ready. Drain, rinse with cold water and set aside.

Increase heat under sauce to medium-high. Whisk in Parmesan and second TBSP of corn starch to thicken. Once all the lumps are out, reduce heat to low and add in pasta.

Add salt according to your taste.

Break up two slices of American cheese and add.

Remove from heat and serve, adding pepper to taste.

Relax with a great old movie and a good friend and enjoy!

Nemesis City

I thought I'd offer up a companion piece to Noey's New Jersey Blog, because I feel that anyone who travels a lot will inevitably encounter their own personal geographical Nemesis. Mine is definitely New York City. I hate NY. Which, of course, doesn't keep me from going there, because a lot of things I love, like Muse concerts and a girl named Peppers, are very often in NY.

New York hates me too. Which doesn't mean I sometimes don't have an awesome time in NY, because it is a clever city that will continually try to lull me into a false sense of enjoyment and security so that it can murder me in my contented, rock-n-roll exhausted, alcohol-soaked sleep.

For example, there was the time when New York gave me taco-and-beer delivery, right to the apartment I was staying in, complete with limes for the Coronas! In under 20 minutes! And then 7 hours later New York knifed me in the back via an obsessed Drunk Married man with a penchant for accosting me in darkened doorways at 4:30 am as some friends and I desperately tried for 45 frosty, late-November-early-morning minutes to find a cab, only to see our hostess, the afore-mentioned beloved Peppers, whiz by in said cab, half-naked and blowing kisses, from the lap of the rock-star brother of afore-mentioned Drunk-Married stalker. I can't even make something like that up.

Another time there was the incredible Muse concert at MSG, at the high point of their H.A.R.R.P tour, with sounds and colors ringing in my head for days, and wine on the roof, and the best cheeseburger ever, only to be followed in a few short weeks by a lost hotel reservation, Times Square with a migraine and America's Worst Long Distance Boyfriend.
New York does me a solid: I lose my cellphone in a taxi, the next fair finds, it, calls me, and the Best Cabby in the City brings it back to me, no charge. I love NY!
New York punches me in the face: 2:30 am hotel fire mid-long-awaited-lover's-tryst. I hate NY!

On my very last day in the city (I haven't been back since) I had a laid-back, agenda-free visit with a beautiful girl, a long, music-filled stroll through China Town on a crispy, crunchy, sun-streaked fall Sunday. Peppers and I had crepes and mimosas over a leisurely brunch and I caught a lazy train home without mishap. And I thought to myself, "we've finally made peace, this city and I." And I saw why she loved it, saw it's beauty through my friend's eyes, and I was content.

Until a few months later, on a train back to Philly from Stamford, CT, when in a lashing November Nor'easter, my train is caught, without heat or power, smack in the middle of Hell's Gate Bridge for 8 and a half hours. Trapped on a ghost train with only 1/3 of a bottle of Jamison to warm me and my fellow passengers, I saw Manhattan, winking at me cheekily through the icy squall from across the water. The warm, Christmas lights twinkling at me as I hunched in the dark, spooky, cell-phone illuminated train car said, "I win!" with distinct and malicious glee, and there was nothing I could do but finish off the whiskey and concede defeat.
New York, ya got me.

Enemy of the State

Really, I have no animosity towards New Jersey. Frankly, New Jersey started the whole business. It hates me. And I am always rising to the occasion when assholes hate on me. (My New Jersey friends are always trying to explain that I am wrong, and New Jersey couldn't possibly hate me. If anything, New Jersey couldn't give a shit.)

But that's where they're wrong! Because I'm constantly thwarted by New Jersey every time I cross into that state line. Like the time I was road tripping with friends and had to pee. And every single rest stop and gas station was closed. I was about to have kidney failure due to holding it for an hour as we took every exit. And going outside seemed a bad choice, because of the outside December-ness. Also, no toilet paper. Why are things closed anyway? What about truckers? They have to go. This is a major highway, Garden State! You are forcing people to pee all over you!

And then the time I stopped for a sammich. Four hours had passed without me realizing it (New Jersey has holes in time.), and it was sammich o-clock. I pulled over at a fast food joint and ordered a burger, with "pickles and mayonnaise only, please", because. I was back on the road enjoying my tasty beverage when I opened up my burger to discover I had a pickle and mayonnaise on my bread. But no meat. New Jersey, I ask you - who gets pickles and mayonnaise on bread?! Also, ONE PICKLE? But I wiped the mayonnaise off and ate the pickle anyways. (I don't like the combination of pickles, mayonnaise, & bread unless there IS a burger on it.)

Fortified by a sliced pickle, I made it to my best friend's baby shower, which was my whole reason for braving New Jersey in the first place. It's great. There are babies and presents and tiny finger foods and cake. I like all those things. But I know that New Jersey is my enemy, and I better book it before it gets dark.

So I hop in my truck and put in some Cake (the music. Not the food.) and it's twenty minutes later and I'm singing "You Turn the Screws" in some really impressive New Jersey traffic when suddenly I realize as I put my foot on the gas, I am actually slowing down. And over the noise of traffic from my rolled down window, actually, I can't hear any music, and also, I can't hear the sound of my truck running. And also, when I put my foot on the brake pedal, I am not, in fact, slowing down even a little bit. Which is an interesting thing to realize going 65 miles an hour in neck to neck New Jersey traffic. I don't panic exactly, except for chanting a lot of bad words to the tune of "You Turn the Screws". If I'm going to die, I'm at least not going to kill other people, so in the longest sixty seconds of my life and the most middle fingers I've ever received, I slide over four lanes of traffic to pull onto the side of the road, and unfortunately, keep rolling, because of the current inefficiency of my brakes. My truck is still moving, so I decide to hit the parking brake. ...that works. And then I am stopped, at a major major intersection right where there are lots of entrances and exits.

I don't really know much about the mechanics of a vehicle, but I dutifully get out of my truck and get to see if anything is on fire. (It's not.) I check where all the fluids go, and they're all full of fluid. Two cop cars pass me without stopping. And one of those highway patrol cars. I am losing faith in the law enforcement system and humanity as well as New Jersey. Oh, and also, I discovered on the trip up to New Jersey that my cell phone doesn't get reception in this state. So I stand in front of my truck looking pitiful, even though it's a really pretty day and nothing is on fire.

And looking pitiful causes a New Jersey driver to pull over and ask me if I need help. "Er, yes", I say. He opens up the hood of my truck and agrees with me that nothing is on fire. (Oh good.) Then he explains that he left his cell phone at home ("I'm always doing that!" he says), but he would be happy to stop at the next exit and make a phone call for me.

I go sit in my truck and roll my window down and stick my left foot out the window as if it's perfectly natural to be hanging out on the side of a major interstate, just, y'know, chillaxing. I'm pretty excited about the fact that I'm neither hungry nor do I have to pee.

Then a car slows down beside me and a couple ask me if I need help. "Yes", I agree, with a cheesy Southern-girl smile. The girl gets out, with her long long brown hair blowing in the wind. It's very Bruce Springsteen-lyrics. No wonder he says Jersey girls have a special glow. And the guy gets out and he has fantastic curly red hair and a pirate bandana. Just looking at them is making me feel better. Pirates and hippies are a good solution to certain problems. Also, they have triple A, and let me use their card.

They sit with me in the back of my truck for a long time. Maybe hours! I call my best friend several times to update her, and triple A arrives. The tow truck guy is also our age, with a killer Jersey accent. I'm afraid he's not going to tow me because it's not my card, but he says "Whatevah, I've been towin' assholes all day and you're all right." (Yeah! I'm all right!) Then we talk on the way back about how he plans to own his own business and he's takin' night classes and he wants to have a family, and looks at me seriously with his pretty blue eyes. I think I fell in love a little bit with New Jersey right then.

When I get to my best friend's house, she's not there, so I walk to a cafe and have some pie. An hour later, I hear someone screaming my name and it turns out she's been driving from place to place trying to find me for a while. I give her a diner lemon bar and we both feel better.

Eventually, I get back on the road, feeling shiny and happy. So I stop, full of New Jersey glow, renewed by everything, to get a taco. I order a 7 layer taco, because I'm pretty hungry, and 7 layers of food should do me up nicely. I take a big bite, ready for sour cream and cheese and things. And it's pretty good. But I can't taste the sour cream or guacamole. I open up my taco. It has three layers.

Of course.

Ouch! My Naivete!

This is relevant to the kitchen because it is about bees. And bees make honey. And I don't want to be in a kitchen that doesn't have any honey in it.
So if you've spent even a teeny bit of time with me over the last few years, you've heard me express outrage and concern over the mysterious disappearance of the honey bee in North America and Europe. If you haven't heard the news, google "Bee Crisis" and you'll get about 10,200,000 results. The mass disappearance of honey bees has been going on since 2006, only know one has been able to figure out why. Where the bees are going, what's happened to them, and what's causing it has remained a hotly debated mystery. Blame has been aimed everywhere, from cell phones to global warming to mass alien bee abduction. Pesticides also seemed like a likely source for the bee crisis, now sometimes termed Colony Collapse Disorder, or CCD. However, the Environmental Protection Agency, you know, the government agency who's only job is to PROTECT the ENVIRONMENT, assured us that pesticides were not responsible for CCD, at least not the ones they approved. This is from the EPA's website, current as of June 2010, and their statement on pesticides is:
Our role in the federal response to CCD is to keep abreast of and help advance research investigating pesticide effects on pollinators. To date, we’re aware of no data demonstrating that an EPA-registered pesticide used according to the label instructions has caused CCD. While our longstanding regulatory requirements for pesticides are designed to protect beneficial insects such as bees, since 2007 we have been looking at many different ways of possibly improving pollinator protection.
you can view the entire page here, as maniac bloggers are well known for taking government quotes entirely out of context to suit their own paranoiac conspiracy agendas.
Now, call me crazy, ok well, you could probably call me many more colorful, apt, and insulting words at this point, but I reallyreally did think that the EPA might be one of those government agencies that really had the best interest of both humanity and the planet at heart, and of COURSE they would be crusaders for the noble honey bee, supplier of sweet nectar, pollinator of delicious produce, serenader of dulcet summertime soundtracks. That is until today, when I read this article on FastCompany.com.
You see, the EPA did know of a pesticide that they approved that was highly harmful to bees. Their scientists wrote them a nice 101 page report about the dangers, and potential long-term effects of using the pesticide. The actual report is linked to the article, and you can read it in its entirety. But it might make you cry. And then exclaim weird, mom-ish things like, "Mercy!" and "For shame!" and, "Won't somebody think of the children!?"
FOR SHAME, EPA! You are every bit as soul-less and horrible as the portrayal of you in the 1984 comedy blockbuster Ghost Busters, starring Bill Murray.
I'm looking in your particular direction, Risk Branch V!
Now it is unusual of me to wish harm on another being. I am forgiving by nature. But I also have gypsy blood and know how to lay a well-deserved curse when the situation demands, it, so let me sum up by saying, I don't know what your agenda was, but I sincerely hope that each and everyone one of the TO: recipients on that memo wakes up to a washing machine full of demon ghost bees hell-bent on stinging revenge. You Bastards.

Terrifying Thought #57: Everyone is crazier than me

I am so against Wednesdays right now. All of today, I have felt like there was a language change and no one gave me the memo. I have substituted colors for pertinent information. See below.

Difficult Person: What color is orange?
Me: Um, orange is orange.
Difficult Person: So what you're saying is orange is ORANGE?
Me: Yes. Would you like orange?
Difficult Person: Could orange be red?
Me: No, because see, orange is orange. I can get you orange though. Or red! What do you need?
Difficult Person: ...Do you have aquamarine?

.............................................................................................................

Building off that feeling of "Whaaa? I don't know your words!" - allow me to branch off "Why is This Even a Thing?"

The Person Whose Hands These Belong to Might be a Tad Narcissistic

Hear the hand model here:
http://warmingglow.uproxx.com/2010/12/holy-crap-this-broad-is-crazy

Crazy pills for everyone!

I haven't the strength to bring you a recipe today. You should probably eat some Cheetos (GF!) and an apple.

On The Subject of Soups

So I've been down with the Influenza for the last 4 days, which, as you know can be just the worst, especially when it is almost Christmas and I have way more fun things I could be doing!
But it seems timely, for this blog at least, since a lot of people are probably going to get the flu or some other sort of nasty this winter, to post a recipe for Recovery Soup, which sounds better to me than "Sick Soup" which is what my Crazy Grandma called it. It is a very basic, slightly spicy, slightly citrus-y chicken and rice soup that is perfect for anything involving head and chest congestion. The little kick is also nice when you're sick and it is hard to taste things.
There's a couple of ways you can make it depending on what you have in the fridge and how lazy you are, I'll give you the long and short versions.

Recovery Soup - Long Version
 1 chicken or turkey carcass with some meat still on it. (It is especially good to use post-holiday turkey, because they're more magic. Says Crazy Grandma. Don't question me!) (Oh, and if you don't have a carcass on hand, you can use packaged poultry. I recommend chicken thighs, and make sure the bones are still in.)

3 Carrots, peeled and sliced

4 Celery stalks, washed and chopped

1 Large Yellow Onion, chopped

Juice from 1 Large Lemon (You can use lemon juice from concentrate too, but fresh is better)

1 Cup Brown Rice (Uncooked)

1 TBSP of Chopped Fresh Sage or Ground Dried Sage (Same rule as lemon juice)

2 Quarts of Water

Tabasco or Pepper Sauce (I like Crystal Louisiana Hot Sauce)

Salt

Pepper

TO PREPARE STOCK: (This part is what makes it the long version. Also the messy and annoying version)

Alrighty! Strip the carcass of any usable meat. Chop meat into bite-sized pieces and set aside. If you are using chicken thighs, leave them intact for now.
Put carcass or whole thighs into a large pot and cover with water and add the ground sage, and about 2 tablespoons of salt and 1 of pepper. Cover and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer for about an hour.
If you used thighs, remove them from the stock to cool. Once cool, strip meat from bones and chop meat into bit-sized pieces.
If you used a carcass, allow the stock to cool. Once cool enough to handle, strain stock through a colander and discard bones.

ONCE STOCK IS PREPARED: (Skip to this for the short version, and substitute chicken or veggie stock for the home-made stock above)

Add chopped meat, veggies, rice, lemon juice and pepper sauce to stock and bring to a boil. Once boiling, cover and reduce heat. Simmer for about an hour, until rice is cooked and carrots are tender.  Add salt and pepper to taste.

Best when served with warm, crusty bread, unless you have a gluten allergy, in which case warm, crusty bread would kill you. But not to worry! I am bound and determined to discover/invent a recipe for GF warm, crusty bread, and as soon as I find it, I will post it immediately. Testing and experiments are in progress even as we speak!

Snow: Tiny Balls of Freezing Motivation

It snowed.

That sentence is all by itself up there to show you how emphatic I am about it. IT SNOWED. In Raleigh. What?!? I moved south to avoid this whole snow business. Good grief.

I've decided a good way to pass the time before I can wear sundresses again is to set small, attainable goals. For what? I don't know! I'm still figuring that part out.

I've been reading a lot more lately. My attention span is too short for tv, but I can concentrate on reading, which seems backwards, but there you go. I've been reviewing my list of books on Goodreads - a marvelous invention because I used to keep track with paper lists, but I am always losing lists. Grasping for organization is so futile sometimes. Thanks, goodreads.com for taking charge. Anyway. I thought, wouldn't it be stupendous if I could read 1,000 books by the time I'm thirty? I like the sound of that. So much for small, attainable goals.

But then I got all mathematical about it and realized I would have to read maybe 15 books a month. And I read fast, but that might be too much, even for me. Even if I count the "young adult" stories I read for an hour pick-me-up. So maybe I'll extend it to WHILE I'm 30. Because 7 books a month is probably do-able. I'm a high functioning insomniac, so I have twice the time to do it. Also, this is logical because (stay with me here), if I am the worst at small attainable goals, maybe I would be way way better at large, completely impossible goals! Insomniac logic! Yay!

On a side note - I just now realized I don't own a library card for the local library. Although I DO own library cards for libraries in Pennsylvania, Virginia, and Oregon. This is starting to sound difficult. So I'm definitely motivated to do it and possibly spectacularly fail.

Now, a recipe for Three Sisters Stew. It's especially nice cause I'm one of three sisters. Also, the stew warms your belly AND your soul. I mean, assuming you're not a redhead, and consequently, soul-less. In which case, it might warm your little black heart.

Three Sisters Stew

INGREDIENTS
1 large butternut squash, cut up (about 2 pounds) *I suggest buying it cut up in the produce section, because butternut squash takes brute strength to cut up
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 medium onion, chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 medium green or red bell pepper, cut into short, narrow strips
14- to 16-ounce can diced tomatoes, with liquid
2 cups cooked pinto beans (about 3/4 cup raw),
or 16-ounce can, drained and rinsed
2 cups corn kernels (from 2 large or 3 medium ears)
1 cup homemade or canned vegetable stock, or water
4-ounce can chopped mild green chiles
1 teaspoon each: ground cumin, dried oregano
Salt and freshly ground black pepper, to taste

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

Bake squash for 40 to 50 minutes, or until just done but still firm. When cool enough to handle, dice squash into cubes. Set aside until needed.

Heat the oil in a soup pot. Add the onion and sauté over medium-low heat until translucent. Add the garlic and continue to sauté until the onion is golden.

Add the diced squash and all the remaining ingredients and bring to a simmer. Simmer gently, covered, until all the vegetables are tender, about 20 to 25 minutes. Season to taste with salt
and pepper.

If time allows, let the stew stand for 1 to 2 hours before serving, then heat through as needed. The stew should be thick and very moist but not soupy; add additional stock or water if needed. I like mine extra soupy when I'm not feeling well.

Why Is This Even a Thing!?

In the spirit of the crabby and incredulous mood that winter seems to have put us in, Noelle and I decided to add a new segment to the blog called "Why Is This Even a Thing!?"
Which is to say we will post and then comment on things that appall and confuse us by their mere existence. Remember Noelle's Piggy Bank Made Out of Real Pigs from a few posts back?

Just Wrong.

So the thing that's got me all riled up today is this new reality show, Bridalplasty. You can click the link for the episode 1 recap, but essentially, this is a show where women compete with each other to cut up their bodies and alter their appearances in order to be The Perfect Bride.
The show separates the women from their fiances (in some cases, husbands) for 4 months and houses them in a "Mansion" where they compete in challenges and are awarded things like botox injections.  A bunch of other bloggers have already pointed out that the women are already good-looking, as if that somehow makes the premise of the show MORE horrifying and grotesque than it would be if the women "actually needed work done." I'm trying to think of any women I have every met in my entire life that NEED plastic surgery done, but fortunately, I don't know anybody with horrific disfiguring diseases or faces that have been mangled in car explosions. Though it is a pretty safe bet that if I did, those ladies would use their disfigurement as an excuse to go into Super Villainy rather than electing to be re-sculpted as The Perfect Bride.
Now I really could go on at length about the absurd awfulness of this show, it's misogyny, depravity, vanity, shallowness, and excess; how it preys upon women who appear to have genuine mental health problems and dysmorphic body issues; but if you Google Bridalplasty, you'll find that everyone else on the Internet has already done a pretty good job of that.  What offends me most deeply is not that E! went there, its that there was a there to go to at all. Why does this show even exist? How many people looked at the write-up for this show and said, "Yeah man, let's DO that!"? Much like the Oh-So-Wrong Dead Babe Bank above, somebody sat down and dreamed up this idea, and then somebody else sat down and said, "I think it's great!" And that baffles and irritates me.
Who are these jokers, and what do I have to do to get my hands on their money?
I need it to fund my own reality-based project, in which I will graft bits of animals onto other animals and then throw those animals into a pit to see which one emerges victorious, to be crowned The Ultimate Animal!
See, that right there, that's reality gold.

grocery store cards can lead to unwanted intimacy issues

I think I may have intimacy issues. Frankly, I don't even want to talk to you about this because I don't know you that well and I'm not ready for this level of knowing each other yet. But I hear normal people say things without thinking, and I've heard it's nice, and at times, refreshing, like a 1980's Coke commercial that features supermodels. *Molli pointed out post-publishing that this supermodel is featuring Pepsi. I always thought it was Coke. Coke is delicious. ...marketing doesn't always work with me.*

Anyway. Today at work, I announce I'm going to the grocery store (because we're a small office and can & do announce everything), and I'd forgotten my lunch. Unless you count the crackers and chocolate covered peanuts I accidentally brought because I forgot to clean out my purse. Which I don't. So. I tell everyone I'm going to Harris Teeter, and Officemate Mr. C pops in with, "What, why aren't you walking to Lowe's?" Because you have to drive to Harris Teeter, but Lowe's is RIGHT THERE. And I find myself telling Mr. C that the problem is every time I try to go to Lowe's to buy five dollars worth of groceries, they try to force me to get a Lowe's card.

And they don't just suggest either, they try to pull you aside like an evangelist bent on saving your soul (except in this case, pennies are at stake) and make you fill out all kinds of information on a computerized get-a-grocery-card program. Which seems like an efficient streamlined idea, except that I've tried that before. Last time I was at Lowe's, I got pulled aside like a super special VIP customer and watched a steady line of people build up behind me in line as I furiously tried to type my information on the touch screen computer that couldn't quite get any of my letters right. (In fact, I gave up on getting my actual name right and began registering as Nooele Halrjjkst, which I told the grocery store clerk when he asked was of "Norwegian nationality".) Finally finally when they were five people in line behind me I hit "complete" but then the screen froze and the grocery store clerk looked panicked and then restarted the program and asked me to start over. I said no thank you, I will pay that extra dollar I could have saved, thank you.

I intensely dislike being given what FEELS like no choice in these transactions. It doesn't matter if there IS a choice but I have to be weasly to get out of it. Lowe's is all "TAKE A CARD" and I'm all, "But what if I don't want one? Don't you have a store card? Can I try this out before I fill out all this information and then find out it's not for me?"

I'm just not ready for that level of commitment. That's why I like Food Lion in particular as grocery stores go. If they ask for a card and you don't have one, you can use the store card. Sometimes the clerks don't even ask, they just agree silently that you are cardless but also, would like to save money, and help you out by swiping the thing. And see, that's when I think, "Wow, grocery store cards are a novel and amazing idea, maybe I DO want one!" And by the time I've gone to Food Lion three times in a row and experienced savings of at least 36 cents, I've acquired a card on my own - by marching up to the customer service desk and asking for an application - absolutely NO evangelizing necessary!

Food Lion is very low pressure. They don't really give a fuck. It's all, "Oh, you want a card? You can have one. If you want. But you don't have to." Actually, now that I think about it, I think this is why boys who succeed in being in a relationship with me have mostly been the type who don't ask me on dates. They just tell me to show up at a certain place, and then I traipse over there and good times are had by all and I think "oh man, we accidentally made out!" but it turns out that the whole thing was a date only I worried less about what to say and what to wear AND I got to make out. Unfortunately, like a grocery store card, these types of boys also are prone to not giving a fuck.

So I'm trying something different and going to Trader Joe's. There isn't any of this card nonsense. Everyone wears a Hawaiian shirt, and you get a quarter discount for bringing your own bag, and whaddya know - suddenly I'm looking forward to weekly visits with Joe. Baby, I don't need anyone but you.

And on that note - here is an amazing book full of Trader Joes-exclusive ingredients!

http://www.amazon.com/Cooking-All-Things-Trader-Joes/dp/0979938406

Oprah is kind of like Jesus, but more fashionable and with proven cooking skillz

Today's recipe is brought to you by Oprah. Black bean dip. I took this to a potluck last week and at one point there were people crowded around the bowl as if the dip itself was making an impressive speech. (Maybe it was. I don't speak bean language so I can't tell you for sure.)

And the awesome thing about this recipe is even if you're super lazy and think goat cheese is too expensive so you only buy half the amount and then throw all the ingredients together in kind of the wrong order and then it's gloppy and you have to put it in a blender to smooth it, it still tastes fantastic! I know, because that is what I did. I wouldn't give you this advice if I hadn't scientifically proven it, dontchaworrynow.

Is there anything Oprah can't do? I naturally fall on the side of counter culture even though I know I am just being the opposite of whatever is popular right now. Bandwagons make me nervous. Probably, I will ride a bike instead of jumping on the bandwagon. Except in Portland, where everyone rides bikes, so probably I will take a cab. Unless I'm in New York, in which case I'll switch to a scooter. Unless I'm in Italy, in which case I'll nix the scooter and start walking. But not like a lemming and not off a cliff, that's my point.

Where was I? Oh yes.

Oprah is irresistible. Every time I watch her show, she is doing something good. There are no baby mammas slappin' around babydaddies who are screaming while dressed like skinheads & explaining that sociopath-ism is totally a valid life choice and generally being the Worst Kind Of People. Oprah doesn't make time for those people. She picks out the unlucky, trying-reeeeal-hard, just-hoping-for-a-break-but-not-expecting-it people. She gives them books and houses and makeovers and emotions. I resisted her book club for years until finally I realized I kept picking Oprah-approved books and caved and started reading them on purpose. And dangit, I laughed, I cried, I lied about having emotions, and I looked forward to her book selections.

Why am I so excited about Oprah right now? Because this week I discovered I have two gray hairs. *Actually, I would have had three, but about a year ago, a hairstylist found and triumphantly yanked out that third hair.*

Anyway, I spent an entire day trying to figure out how I felt about my two gray hairs. I put on my pointy toed (with buckles!) witch shoes to help me think. Because gray hair seems to go with witch shoes. Also, fancy shoes help me think.

Silver hairs are making me think about the process of aging, and how difficult and really confusing it is in a culture of youth and beauty and dramaDramadrama. I told my current hairstylist about my gray hairs and she talked to me about hair dye, which I found kind of disappointing. My two silver hairs are a badge, a testament to my possible wise and learn-ed-ness. (Here's hoping.) I feel secretly proud about these hairs, and it seems I'm not supposed to think so. But I always hoped I would have silvery white hair, and it turns out that is exactly what I'm getting! For the win.

It is good to feel victorious rather than worried. I feel like Oprah doesn't get caught up in worrying. I hope that she doesn't spend a whole lot of time thinking about her hips and being only a sex object and not being able to be herself and being a fair person but being too much a pushover as a woman. Probably she doesn't worry too much about being a bitch and wanting to be a bitch and having her own goals and not quite adapting to other people and then sometimes adapting too much. I bet she dislikes all statements telling her that any certain time is her ONE time to have the time of her life, and ESPECIALLY dislikes statements that tell her that time is either over or has not begun. So I'm proud of Oprah like I am of my gray hairs, secretly excited about how awesome things can be when you just stick to your guns about yourself.

Oprah is the kind of woman that most of us hoped we would be when we were 10, back when we were pretty sure we were going to grow up and be a singer and an astronaut and a doctor and a princess. Sure, people hassle her about her clothes and her weight and self esteem, but Oprah rises above that and just starts another Something-Awesome.

Oprah defies people who say her body isn't quite right, and her face isn't pretty enough, and her personality leaves something to be desired. She doesn't even argue with those people. She just does her thing. And even when she is doing small things, she somehow gets to the core of what's important.

My silvery hairs give me hope that I too could be a wise learn-ed lady. Gray hair does not equal witch, I tell myself. Productive woman does not equal bitch, I tell myself.

Here's to doing super neat things without casting everyone else as The Enemy Who Is Against Me. Come over to my house and have some black bean dip and we will give each other makeovers to bring out the inner awesome-ness we already have.

I am totally on my way to my 10 year old childhood dream. Thank you, Oprah, for showing the way to this Prairie Girl-Writer-Spy-Chef. I'm nearly there.

Black Bean-Goat Cheese Dip
(Or, Oprah puts delicious ideas into my head.)

• 1 tablespoon olive oil , plus more for brushing (optional)
• 1 small onion , chopped (about 1 cup)
• 2 cloves garlic , minced
• 1 1/2 teaspoons cumin (preferably whole seeds, freshly toasted and ground)
• 2 cans (15.5 to 19 ounces) black beans , drained and rinsed
• 1 cup chicken stock (veggie for vegetarians)
  
• Salt and freshly ground pepper, to taste
• 2 large poblano peppers
• 1 bunch scallions, sliced (about 1/2 cup)
• 1/2 cup coarsely chopped cilantro
• 1 log (11 ounces) fresh goat cheese

In a large saucepan, heat olive oil over medium heat. Add onion and garlic and cook until softened, about 5 minutes. Stir in cumin and cook 30 seconds. Add 1 can beans and lightly mash using a potato masher. Stir in chicken stock and remaining can of beans. Simmer until very thick (but not pasty), 5–7 minutes. Season with salt and pepper. Let cool.

Meanwhile, place poblano peppers directly on a burner over a medium-low gas flame. Turn regularly with tongs to blacken skin, 10–15 minutes (if you don't have a gas stove, you can blacken peppers on a sheet pan under a broiler, turning regularly, about 15 minutes). Place peppers in a paper bag; seal and let sit (and steam) until cool enough to handle. Peel peppers, removing as much of the charred skin as possible without rinsing. Seed and coarsely chop. Transfer to a small bowl and toss with scallions and cilantro.

Preheat oven to 375°. In the bottom of a 1- to 1 1/2-quart soufflé or baking dish, spread half of bean mixture. Top with half of cheese, crumbled, and half of pepper mixture. Repeat layering once more, ending on pepper mixture.

Cowboy Food

Because I hate the winter, my husband will cook for me. One of my favorite things he makes is a one-pot dish I labeled "Cowboy Food" at some point, because A) it is something that cowboys would eat and B) I like to pretend my husband is a cowboy. I think he would look good on a horse.
But that is neither here nor there. Sorry. I am prone to distracting myself. ANYWAYS, he makes this dish and it is pretty perfect for winter, because it is thick and hearty, and its smokey, spicy flavors really warm you up. It's also cheap and easy to make, and in these hard times, who wouldn't like that?

Ingredients:
2 lbs lean ground meat
2-3 large potatoes (cubed)
1 large can of baked beans (any sort you like, we use Busch's Barbecue Beans)
2 TBSP Old Bay Seasoning
1 TBSP Liquid Smoke
4 strips of Bacon (chopped) (optional)
1/2 bottle of beer (optional) (If you use beer, a recommend a lager, and if you have a gluten allergy, you can use a Sorghum beer. We use Redbridge)
Salt and Pepper to taste

There are 2 ways to make this, depending on how much time you have.
The first way is to dump all the ingredients in a crock pot, stir it up, and cook it on low for 4-8 hours. Simple, no? This is good if everybody is gone during the day, you can dump everything in in the am, and come home to a hot dinner and a house that smells delicious.

My husband is home all day, so he takes a little more prep time that adds a few more delightful textures to the dish, and cuts down on fat.

In a skillet, on medium heat, fry up the cubed potatoes with the bacon until potatoes are browned on most sides and bacon is crisp. Drain any excess fat.

In a large pot, combine the raw meat with Old Bay, Liquid Smoke, Salt, and Pepper, then brown the meat. Again, drain any of the excess fat.

When the meat is browned and the potatoes are done, combine everything and add the baked beans, stirring frequently over low heat. As everything warms, add the beer till the dish reaches desired consistency.

Drink the rest of the beer to congratulate yourself on a meal well cooked, and serve.

PS, any left-overs are awesome in the morning with fried eggs and toast!

Winter is Stupid

Ok, I take it back. Winter is fine. Human People are stupid about winter. With all of our modern conveniences, all of our advancements in technology and manufacturing and automation, is there any logical, pragmatic reason at all left to justify me having to be productive in any way, shape, or form in the winter?
I mean seriously. Bees get to sleep all season, and they don't even have thumbs.

Pretty much all of nature knows that winter sucks the most. Animals that don't hibernate relocate to more hospitable climates to resume business as usual without the added burden of battling the elements. But I am expected to put on galoshes and about 20 layers and slog through the dark wet cold whilst trying to maintain a sense of fashion and a cheery disposition. It's not even acceptable to gain a few pounds or let my legs go hairy for some added insulation.

But what I'd like to know is why? Really! Why? Why'd we invent all this amazing stuff to do stuff for us if we're still expected to do stuff? It seems like the more conveniences we get the more inconvenient my life becomes.

At least 50 years ago if there was a ton of snow and ice all over everything you got to stay home and snuggle in for a day. Now we have "weather proof" this and that and tires that can drive in anything and chemicals to melt the roads so you still have to go out in heightened danger and unpleasantness. And since emails and smart phones and satellite, even if you are completely stuck you can still "get a lot of work done."

Now, I'm not opposed to work in principle. I like to be productive as much as the next person. But like the afore mentioned bees and bears, my productivity prefers to pack itself into the 10 months of the year when my bones don't hurt and my brain isn't a fog of seasonal depression. I mean, nobody's knockin' bees for taking a little time off.

But instead of hibernation, I'm subjected to "Daylight Savings Time" another cruel human invention that is SUPPOSED to make winter easier but really just makes everyone crabby. I know there's folks out there who think the "extra" hour in the fall is awesome, but you're not getting an "extra" anything, you're just screwing with your biological clock. Spring or fall, ultimately it's just gonna be "Ouch! My Circadian Rhythm!"

Alls I'm saying is, it seems to me that the point of there even being a winter is that things need to rest a while, in the cold and the dark, so that when spring comes the sap can run and all that stored energy can be poured into the new season of growth and productivity. Nature dictates this. And with a little mechanical structuring and a lot of cultural re-thinking, our modern world could easily allow this.

So I'ma start up the Lazy Winter Brigade! Who's with me? Get on the bus!

I mean when spring comes, and we have energy for causes again.

Because I said so, that's why!

Today I asked Molli why we don't have a blog. Or at least, a terribly misinformed advice column. Because firstly, we are bored, and secondly, we are easily entertained, and thirdly, I hear goals are good to have in life and I want something awesome to do. And since we both have so much spare time and all, if you count "not sleeping" as "spare time", a blog should've happened years ago. But instead it happened today.

Winter slowed us both down. I feel like I am so motivated in the summer and then suddenly, bah, everything is stupid and maybe I'm not a writer or a rollergirl or a burlesque dancer or a muse after all. I have been bored and lonely and feeling completely aimless. I am still recovering from my last lifetime where I must have been a Bear, and in my instinctive soul-urge self, I still want to store up food in mah belly and then nap away the long cold dark times with my pack. Bears have packs, right?

But since I can't be a bear (unfortunately), I will brainstorm with Molli as to things that are funny (like men who wear top hats in Wal-mart - true story) and things that are the worst (you can buy a piggy bank made out of a REAL piglet - what a terrible idea and what kind of monsters have we turned into?!) and also, give out some really terrible advice. But the nice thing about our terrible advice is that we're very upfront with how we are the worst, and then you will have all kinds of ideas about what NOT to do, which should really motivate you to stay on the straight 'n' narrow in whatever subject into you might be inquiring.

Yeah. You're welcome in advance.

And on that note, Molli has requested my recipe for lentil soup, which is more of a stew for satisfying the grumpy winter bear in you.

Stop yer bitchin' and get in the kitchen!

Noelle's Lentil Stew(This stew keeps very well in the fridge throughout the week, and if it gets too thick, just add more broth. )

2 cups lentils
at least 3 cups of chicken or vegetable broth
1 large onion
1/2-1 teaspoon of cumin to taste

Soak the lentils overnight in room temperature water. I like red and yellow lentils best - they have a better flavor. Plus they're not ugly like those horrible beige lentils. Nobody likes beige anything. Also, isn't lentil a really funny word?

Now that your lentils are soaked, drain the water and put the lentils in a big ol' pot with all that chicken/veggie broth. Cook over low/medium heat ALL THE DAY LONG. Or until lentils are soft. They will disintegrate and make a luscious creamy goodness. (That's what she said!)

In the meantime, chop up an onion (I like yellow ones. I guess I like yellow things.) and add to the pot. It is ESPECIALLY yummy if you grill the onions in a little bit of butter and get them all browned and succulent THEN add to the lentil pot.

And then add cumin to taste. Cumin is delicious. It's very warming for the winter, and very subtle in small amounts. Even people who say the word "cumin" is stupid get all mouthwatery when I secretly add it to my stew. So put in a teaspoon at least. If it's not salty enough for you, you can add some salt, but frankly, I think you're salty enough, you dirty sailor.

Now eat your stew! Wasn't that easy? (Yeah, also kinda like you.)