Why Is This Even a Thing!?

In the spirit of the crabby and incredulous mood that winter seems to have put us in, Noelle and I decided to add a new segment to the blog called "Why Is This Even a Thing!?"
Which is to say we will post and then comment on things that appall and confuse us by their mere existence. Remember Noelle's Piggy Bank Made Out of Real Pigs from a few posts back?

Just Wrong.

So the thing that's got me all riled up today is this new reality show, Bridalplasty. You can click the link for the episode 1 recap, but essentially, this is a show where women compete with each other to cut up their bodies and alter their appearances in order to be The Perfect Bride.
The show separates the women from their fiances (in some cases, husbands) for 4 months and houses them in a "Mansion" where they compete in challenges and are awarded things like botox injections.  A bunch of other bloggers have already pointed out that the women are already good-looking, as if that somehow makes the premise of the show MORE horrifying and grotesque than it would be if the women "actually needed work done." I'm trying to think of any women I have every met in my entire life that NEED plastic surgery done, but fortunately, I don't know anybody with horrific disfiguring diseases or faces that have been mangled in car explosions. Though it is a pretty safe bet that if I did, those ladies would use their disfigurement as an excuse to go into Super Villainy rather than electing to be re-sculpted as The Perfect Bride.
Now I really could go on at length about the absurd awfulness of this show, it's misogyny, depravity, vanity, shallowness, and excess; how it preys upon women who appear to have genuine mental health problems and dysmorphic body issues; but if you Google Bridalplasty, you'll find that everyone else on the Internet has already done a pretty good job of that.  What offends me most deeply is not that E! went there, its that there was a there to go to at all. Why does this show even exist? How many people looked at the write-up for this show and said, "Yeah man, let's DO that!"? Much like the Oh-So-Wrong Dead Babe Bank above, somebody sat down and dreamed up this idea, and then somebody else sat down and said, "I think it's great!" And that baffles and irritates me.
Who are these jokers, and what do I have to do to get my hands on their money?
I need it to fund my own reality-based project, in which I will graft bits of animals onto other animals and then throw those animals into a pit to see which one emerges victorious, to be crowned The Ultimate Animal!
See, that right there, that's reality gold.

grocery store cards can lead to unwanted intimacy issues

I think I may have intimacy issues. Frankly, I don't even want to talk to you about this because I don't know you that well and I'm not ready for this level of knowing each other yet. But I hear normal people say things without thinking, and I've heard it's nice, and at times, refreshing, like a 1980's Coke commercial that features supermodels. *Molli pointed out post-publishing that this supermodel is featuring Pepsi. I always thought it was Coke. Coke is delicious. ...marketing doesn't always work with me.*

Anyway. Today at work, I announce I'm going to the grocery store (because we're a small office and can & do announce everything), and I'd forgotten my lunch. Unless you count the crackers and chocolate covered peanuts I accidentally brought because I forgot to clean out my purse. Which I don't. So. I tell everyone I'm going to Harris Teeter, and Officemate Mr. C pops in with, "What, why aren't you walking to Lowe's?" Because you have to drive to Harris Teeter, but Lowe's is RIGHT THERE. And I find myself telling Mr. C that the problem is every time I try to go to Lowe's to buy five dollars worth of groceries, they try to force me to get a Lowe's card.

And they don't just suggest either, they try to pull you aside like an evangelist bent on saving your soul (except in this case, pennies are at stake) and make you fill out all kinds of information on a computerized get-a-grocery-card program. Which seems like an efficient streamlined idea, except that I've tried that before. Last time I was at Lowe's, I got pulled aside like a super special VIP customer and watched a steady line of people build up behind me in line as I furiously tried to type my information on the touch screen computer that couldn't quite get any of my letters right. (In fact, I gave up on getting my actual name right and began registering as Nooele Halrjjkst, which I told the grocery store clerk when he asked was of "Norwegian nationality".) Finally finally when they were five people in line behind me I hit "complete" but then the screen froze and the grocery store clerk looked panicked and then restarted the program and asked me to start over. I said no thank you, I will pay that extra dollar I could have saved, thank you.

I intensely dislike being given what FEELS like no choice in these transactions. It doesn't matter if there IS a choice but I have to be weasly to get out of it. Lowe's is all "TAKE A CARD" and I'm all, "But what if I don't want one? Don't you have a store card? Can I try this out before I fill out all this information and then find out it's not for me?"

I'm just not ready for that level of commitment. That's why I like Food Lion in particular as grocery stores go. If they ask for a card and you don't have one, you can use the store card. Sometimes the clerks don't even ask, they just agree silently that you are cardless but also, would like to save money, and help you out by swiping the thing. And see, that's when I think, "Wow, grocery store cards are a novel and amazing idea, maybe I DO want one!" And by the time I've gone to Food Lion three times in a row and experienced savings of at least 36 cents, I've acquired a card on my own - by marching up to the customer service desk and asking for an application - absolutely NO evangelizing necessary!

Food Lion is very low pressure. They don't really give a fuck. It's all, "Oh, you want a card? You can have one. If you want. But you don't have to." Actually, now that I think about it, I think this is why boys who succeed in being in a relationship with me have mostly been the type who don't ask me on dates. They just tell me to show up at a certain place, and then I traipse over there and good times are had by all and I think "oh man, we accidentally made out!" but it turns out that the whole thing was a date only I worried less about what to say and what to wear AND I got to make out. Unfortunately, like a grocery store card, these types of boys also are prone to not giving a fuck.

So I'm trying something different and going to Trader Joe's. There isn't any of this card nonsense. Everyone wears a Hawaiian shirt, and you get a quarter discount for bringing your own bag, and whaddya know - suddenly I'm looking forward to weekly visits with Joe. Baby, I don't need anyone but you.

And on that note - here is an amazing book full of Trader Joes-exclusive ingredients!

http://www.amazon.com/Cooking-All-Things-Trader-Joes/dp/0979938406

Oprah is kind of like Jesus, but more fashionable and with proven cooking skillz

Today's recipe is brought to you by Oprah. Black bean dip. I took this to a potluck last week and at one point there were people crowded around the bowl as if the dip itself was making an impressive speech. (Maybe it was. I don't speak bean language so I can't tell you for sure.)

And the awesome thing about this recipe is even if you're super lazy and think goat cheese is too expensive so you only buy half the amount and then throw all the ingredients together in kind of the wrong order and then it's gloppy and you have to put it in a blender to smooth it, it still tastes fantastic! I know, because that is what I did. I wouldn't give you this advice if I hadn't scientifically proven it, dontchaworrynow.

Is there anything Oprah can't do? I naturally fall on the side of counter culture even though I know I am just being the opposite of whatever is popular right now. Bandwagons make me nervous. Probably, I will ride a bike instead of jumping on the bandwagon. Except in Portland, where everyone rides bikes, so probably I will take a cab. Unless I'm in New York, in which case I'll switch to a scooter. Unless I'm in Italy, in which case I'll nix the scooter and start walking. But not like a lemming and not off a cliff, that's my point.

Where was I? Oh yes.

Oprah is irresistible. Every time I watch her show, she is doing something good. There are no baby mammas slappin' around babydaddies who are screaming while dressed like skinheads & explaining that sociopath-ism is totally a valid life choice and generally being the Worst Kind Of People. Oprah doesn't make time for those people. She picks out the unlucky, trying-reeeeal-hard, just-hoping-for-a-break-but-not-expecting-it people. She gives them books and houses and makeovers and emotions. I resisted her book club for years until finally I realized I kept picking Oprah-approved books and caved and started reading them on purpose. And dangit, I laughed, I cried, I lied about having emotions, and I looked forward to her book selections.

Why am I so excited about Oprah right now? Because this week I discovered I have two gray hairs. *Actually, I would have had three, but about a year ago, a hairstylist found and triumphantly yanked out that third hair.*

Anyway, I spent an entire day trying to figure out how I felt about my two gray hairs. I put on my pointy toed (with buckles!) witch shoes to help me think. Because gray hair seems to go with witch shoes. Also, fancy shoes help me think.

Silver hairs are making me think about the process of aging, and how difficult and really confusing it is in a culture of youth and beauty and dramaDramadrama. I told my current hairstylist about my gray hairs and she talked to me about hair dye, which I found kind of disappointing. My two silver hairs are a badge, a testament to my possible wise and learn-ed-ness. (Here's hoping.) I feel secretly proud about these hairs, and it seems I'm not supposed to think so. But I always hoped I would have silvery white hair, and it turns out that is exactly what I'm getting! For the win.

It is good to feel victorious rather than worried. I feel like Oprah doesn't get caught up in worrying. I hope that she doesn't spend a whole lot of time thinking about her hips and being only a sex object and not being able to be herself and being a fair person but being too much a pushover as a woman. Probably she doesn't worry too much about being a bitch and wanting to be a bitch and having her own goals and not quite adapting to other people and then sometimes adapting too much. I bet she dislikes all statements telling her that any certain time is her ONE time to have the time of her life, and ESPECIALLY dislikes statements that tell her that time is either over or has not begun. So I'm proud of Oprah like I am of my gray hairs, secretly excited about how awesome things can be when you just stick to your guns about yourself.

Oprah is the kind of woman that most of us hoped we would be when we were 10, back when we were pretty sure we were going to grow up and be a singer and an astronaut and a doctor and a princess. Sure, people hassle her about her clothes and her weight and self esteem, but Oprah rises above that and just starts another Something-Awesome.

Oprah defies people who say her body isn't quite right, and her face isn't pretty enough, and her personality leaves something to be desired. She doesn't even argue with those people. She just does her thing. And even when she is doing small things, she somehow gets to the core of what's important.

My silvery hairs give me hope that I too could be a wise learn-ed lady. Gray hair does not equal witch, I tell myself. Productive woman does not equal bitch, I tell myself.

Here's to doing super neat things without casting everyone else as The Enemy Who Is Against Me. Come over to my house and have some black bean dip and we will give each other makeovers to bring out the inner awesome-ness we already have.

I am totally on my way to my 10 year old childhood dream. Thank you, Oprah, for showing the way to this Prairie Girl-Writer-Spy-Chef. I'm nearly there.

Black Bean-Goat Cheese Dip
(Or, Oprah puts delicious ideas into my head.)

• 1 tablespoon olive oil , plus more for brushing (optional)
• 1 small onion , chopped (about 1 cup)
• 2 cloves garlic , minced
• 1 1/2 teaspoons cumin (preferably whole seeds, freshly toasted and ground)
• 2 cans (15.5 to 19 ounces) black beans , drained and rinsed
• 1 cup chicken stock (veggie for vegetarians)
  
• Salt and freshly ground pepper, to taste
• 2 large poblano peppers
• 1 bunch scallions, sliced (about 1/2 cup)
• 1/2 cup coarsely chopped cilantro
• 1 log (11 ounces) fresh goat cheese

In a large saucepan, heat olive oil over medium heat. Add onion and garlic and cook until softened, about 5 minutes. Stir in cumin and cook 30 seconds. Add 1 can beans and lightly mash using a potato masher. Stir in chicken stock and remaining can of beans. Simmer until very thick (but not pasty), 5–7 minutes. Season with salt and pepper. Let cool.

Meanwhile, place poblano peppers directly on a burner over a medium-low gas flame. Turn regularly with tongs to blacken skin, 10–15 minutes (if you don't have a gas stove, you can blacken peppers on a sheet pan under a broiler, turning regularly, about 15 minutes). Place peppers in a paper bag; seal and let sit (and steam) until cool enough to handle. Peel peppers, removing as much of the charred skin as possible without rinsing. Seed and coarsely chop. Transfer to a small bowl and toss with scallions and cilantro.

Preheat oven to 375°. In the bottom of a 1- to 1 1/2-quart soufflé or baking dish, spread half of bean mixture. Top with half of cheese, crumbled, and half of pepper mixture. Repeat layering once more, ending on pepper mixture.

Cowboy Food

Because I hate the winter, my husband will cook for me. One of my favorite things he makes is a one-pot dish I labeled "Cowboy Food" at some point, because A) it is something that cowboys would eat and B) I like to pretend my husband is a cowboy. I think he would look good on a horse.
But that is neither here nor there. Sorry. I am prone to distracting myself. ANYWAYS, he makes this dish and it is pretty perfect for winter, because it is thick and hearty, and its smokey, spicy flavors really warm you up. It's also cheap and easy to make, and in these hard times, who wouldn't like that?

Ingredients:
2 lbs lean ground meat
2-3 large potatoes (cubed)
1 large can of baked beans (any sort you like, we use Busch's Barbecue Beans)
2 TBSP Old Bay Seasoning
1 TBSP Liquid Smoke
4 strips of Bacon (chopped) (optional)
1/2 bottle of beer (optional) (If you use beer, a recommend a lager, and if you have a gluten allergy, you can use a Sorghum beer. We use Redbridge)
Salt and Pepper to taste

There are 2 ways to make this, depending on how much time you have.
The first way is to dump all the ingredients in a crock pot, stir it up, and cook it on low for 4-8 hours. Simple, no? This is good if everybody is gone during the day, you can dump everything in in the am, and come home to a hot dinner and a house that smells delicious.

My husband is home all day, so he takes a little more prep time that adds a few more delightful textures to the dish, and cuts down on fat.

In a skillet, on medium heat, fry up the cubed potatoes with the bacon until potatoes are browned on most sides and bacon is crisp. Drain any excess fat.

In a large pot, combine the raw meat with Old Bay, Liquid Smoke, Salt, and Pepper, then brown the meat. Again, drain any of the excess fat.

When the meat is browned and the potatoes are done, combine everything and add the baked beans, stirring frequently over low heat. As everything warms, add the beer till the dish reaches desired consistency.

Drink the rest of the beer to congratulate yourself on a meal well cooked, and serve.

PS, any left-overs are awesome in the morning with fried eggs and toast!

Winter is Stupid

Ok, I take it back. Winter is fine. Human People are stupid about winter. With all of our modern conveniences, all of our advancements in technology and manufacturing and automation, is there any logical, pragmatic reason at all left to justify me having to be productive in any way, shape, or form in the winter?
I mean seriously. Bees get to sleep all season, and they don't even have thumbs.

Pretty much all of nature knows that winter sucks the most. Animals that don't hibernate relocate to more hospitable climates to resume business as usual without the added burden of battling the elements. But I am expected to put on galoshes and about 20 layers and slog through the dark wet cold whilst trying to maintain a sense of fashion and a cheery disposition. It's not even acceptable to gain a few pounds or let my legs go hairy for some added insulation.

But what I'd like to know is why? Really! Why? Why'd we invent all this amazing stuff to do stuff for us if we're still expected to do stuff? It seems like the more conveniences we get the more inconvenient my life becomes.

At least 50 years ago if there was a ton of snow and ice all over everything you got to stay home and snuggle in for a day. Now we have "weather proof" this and that and tires that can drive in anything and chemicals to melt the roads so you still have to go out in heightened danger and unpleasantness. And since emails and smart phones and satellite, even if you are completely stuck you can still "get a lot of work done."

Now, I'm not opposed to work in principle. I like to be productive as much as the next person. But like the afore mentioned bees and bears, my productivity prefers to pack itself into the 10 months of the year when my bones don't hurt and my brain isn't a fog of seasonal depression. I mean, nobody's knockin' bees for taking a little time off.

But instead of hibernation, I'm subjected to "Daylight Savings Time" another cruel human invention that is SUPPOSED to make winter easier but really just makes everyone crabby. I know there's folks out there who think the "extra" hour in the fall is awesome, but you're not getting an "extra" anything, you're just screwing with your biological clock. Spring or fall, ultimately it's just gonna be "Ouch! My Circadian Rhythm!"

Alls I'm saying is, it seems to me that the point of there even being a winter is that things need to rest a while, in the cold and the dark, so that when spring comes the sap can run and all that stored energy can be poured into the new season of growth and productivity. Nature dictates this. And with a little mechanical structuring and a lot of cultural re-thinking, our modern world could easily allow this.

So I'ma start up the Lazy Winter Brigade! Who's with me? Get on the bus!

I mean when spring comes, and we have energy for causes again.

Because I said so, that's why!

Today I asked Molli why we don't have a blog. Or at least, a terribly misinformed advice column. Because firstly, we are bored, and secondly, we are easily entertained, and thirdly, I hear goals are good to have in life and I want something awesome to do. And since we both have so much spare time and all, if you count "not sleeping" as "spare time", a blog should've happened years ago. But instead it happened today.

Winter slowed us both down. I feel like I am so motivated in the summer and then suddenly, bah, everything is stupid and maybe I'm not a writer or a rollergirl or a burlesque dancer or a muse after all. I have been bored and lonely and feeling completely aimless. I am still recovering from my last lifetime where I must have been a Bear, and in my instinctive soul-urge self, I still want to store up food in mah belly and then nap away the long cold dark times with my pack. Bears have packs, right?

But since I can't be a bear (unfortunately), I will brainstorm with Molli as to things that are funny (like men who wear top hats in Wal-mart - true story) and things that are the worst (you can buy a piggy bank made out of a REAL piglet - what a terrible idea and what kind of monsters have we turned into?!) and also, give out some really terrible advice. But the nice thing about our terrible advice is that we're very upfront with how we are the worst, and then you will have all kinds of ideas about what NOT to do, which should really motivate you to stay on the straight 'n' narrow in whatever subject into you might be inquiring.

Yeah. You're welcome in advance.

And on that note, Molli has requested my recipe for lentil soup, which is more of a stew for satisfying the grumpy winter bear in you.

Stop yer bitchin' and get in the kitchen!

Noelle's Lentil Stew(This stew keeps very well in the fridge throughout the week, and if it gets too thick, just add more broth. )

2 cups lentils
at least 3 cups of chicken or vegetable broth
1 large onion
1/2-1 teaspoon of cumin to taste

Soak the lentils overnight in room temperature water. I like red and yellow lentils best - they have a better flavor. Plus they're not ugly like those horrible beige lentils. Nobody likes beige anything. Also, isn't lentil a really funny word?

Now that your lentils are soaked, drain the water and put the lentils in a big ol' pot with all that chicken/veggie broth. Cook over low/medium heat ALL THE DAY LONG. Or until lentils are soft. They will disintegrate and make a luscious creamy goodness. (That's what she said!)

In the meantime, chop up an onion (I like yellow ones. I guess I like yellow things.) and add to the pot. It is ESPECIALLY yummy if you grill the onions in a little bit of butter and get them all browned and succulent THEN add to the lentil pot.

And then add cumin to taste. Cumin is delicious. It's very warming for the winter, and very subtle in small amounts. Even people who say the word "cumin" is stupid get all mouthwatery when I secretly add it to my stew. So put in a teaspoon at least. If it's not salty enough for you, you can add some salt, but frankly, I think you're salty enough, you dirty sailor.

Now eat your stew! Wasn't that easy? (Yeah, also kinda like you.)