Enemy of the State

Really, I have no animosity towards New Jersey. Frankly, New Jersey started the whole business. It hates me. And I am always rising to the occasion when assholes hate on me. (My New Jersey friends are always trying to explain that I am wrong, and New Jersey couldn't possibly hate me. If anything, New Jersey couldn't give a shit.)

But that's where they're wrong! Because I'm constantly thwarted by New Jersey every time I cross into that state line. Like the time I was road tripping with friends and had to pee. And every single rest stop and gas station was closed. I was about to have kidney failure due to holding it for an hour as we took every exit. And going outside seemed a bad choice, because of the outside December-ness. Also, no toilet paper. Why are things closed anyway? What about truckers? They have to go. This is a major highway, Garden State! You are forcing people to pee all over you!

And then the time I stopped for a sammich. Four hours had passed without me realizing it (New Jersey has holes in time.), and it was sammich o-clock. I pulled over at a fast food joint and ordered a burger, with "pickles and mayonnaise only, please", because. I was back on the road enjoying my tasty beverage when I opened up my burger to discover I had a pickle and mayonnaise on my bread. But no meat. New Jersey, I ask you - who gets pickles and mayonnaise on bread?! Also, ONE PICKLE? But I wiped the mayonnaise off and ate the pickle anyways. (I don't like the combination of pickles, mayonnaise, & bread unless there IS a burger on it.)

Fortified by a sliced pickle, I made it to my best friend's baby shower, which was my whole reason for braving New Jersey in the first place. It's great. There are babies and presents and tiny finger foods and cake. I like all those things. But I know that New Jersey is my enemy, and I better book it before it gets dark.

So I hop in my truck and put in some Cake (the music. Not the food.) and it's twenty minutes later and I'm singing "You Turn the Screws" in some really impressive New Jersey traffic when suddenly I realize as I put my foot on the gas, I am actually slowing down. And over the noise of traffic from my rolled down window, actually, I can't hear any music, and also, I can't hear the sound of my truck running. And also, when I put my foot on the brake pedal, I am not, in fact, slowing down even a little bit. Which is an interesting thing to realize going 65 miles an hour in neck to neck New Jersey traffic. I don't panic exactly, except for chanting a lot of bad words to the tune of "You Turn the Screws". If I'm going to die, I'm at least not going to kill other people, so in the longest sixty seconds of my life and the most middle fingers I've ever received, I slide over four lanes of traffic to pull onto the side of the road, and unfortunately, keep rolling, because of the current inefficiency of my brakes. My truck is still moving, so I decide to hit the parking brake. ...that works. And then I am stopped, at a major major intersection right where there are lots of entrances and exits.

I don't really know much about the mechanics of a vehicle, but I dutifully get out of my truck and get to see if anything is on fire. (It's not.) I check where all the fluids go, and they're all full of fluid. Two cop cars pass me without stopping. And one of those highway patrol cars. I am losing faith in the law enforcement system and humanity as well as New Jersey. Oh, and also, I discovered on the trip up to New Jersey that my cell phone doesn't get reception in this state. So I stand in front of my truck looking pitiful, even though it's a really pretty day and nothing is on fire.

And looking pitiful causes a New Jersey driver to pull over and ask me if I need help. "Er, yes", I say. He opens up the hood of my truck and agrees with me that nothing is on fire. (Oh good.) Then he explains that he left his cell phone at home ("I'm always doing that!" he says), but he would be happy to stop at the next exit and make a phone call for me.

I go sit in my truck and roll my window down and stick my left foot out the window as if it's perfectly natural to be hanging out on the side of a major interstate, just, y'know, chillaxing. I'm pretty excited about the fact that I'm neither hungry nor do I have to pee.

Then a car slows down beside me and a couple ask me if I need help. "Yes", I agree, with a cheesy Southern-girl smile. The girl gets out, with her long long brown hair blowing in the wind. It's very Bruce Springsteen-lyrics. No wonder he says Jersey girls have a special glow. And the guy gets out and he has fantastic curly red hair and a pirate bandana. Just looking at them is making me feel better. Pirates and hippies are a good solution to certain problems. Also, they have triple A, and let me use their card.

They sit with me in the back of my truck for a long time. Maybe hours! I call my best friend several times to update her, and triple A arrives. The tow truck guy is also our age, with a killer Jersey accent. I'm afraid he's not going to tow me because it's not my card, but he says "Whatevah, I've been towin' assholes all day and you're all right." (Yeah! I'm all right!) Then we talk on the way back about how he plans to own his own business and he's takin' night classes and he wants to have a family, and looks at me seriously with his pretty blue eyes. I think I fell in love a little bit with New Jersey right then.

When I get to my best friend's house, she's not there, so I walk to a cafe and have some pie. An hour later, I hear someone screaming my name and it turns out she's been driving from place to place trying to find me for a while. I give her a diner lemon bar and we both feel better.

Eventually, I get back on the road, feeling shiny and happy. So I stop, full of New Jersey glow, renewed by everything, to get a taco. I order a 7 layer taco, because I'm pretty hungry, and 7 layers of food should do me up nicely. I take a big bite, ready for sour cream and cheese and things. And it's pretty good. But I can't taste the sour cream or guacamole. I open up my taco. It has three layers.

Of course.