Oh Sandwich! I Pine for Thee!

You will never get a sandwich like this on Gluten Free bread.

So, NPR has this thing called "Sandwich Monday," which is a way to alert all of pseudo-intellectual liberal America where to get the best sandwiches. 
It's secondary function is to make me cry every single Monday.


The absolute most worst thing about having to  be Gluten Free, is the dismal fact that you will never really truly be able to enjoy a sandwich ever again. 

Yep. That's about the best you can do.

The problem is bread. 
Even if you happen to find a bread that you can actually afford that actually tastes good and won't completely fall apart upon trying to remove it from its often ridiculous packaging, the bread is SO tiny, that is simply will not hold a substantial sandwich of any sort. 










Sure, the perfect kindergarten lunch box PBnJ is totally within your grasp. Cucumber and Cream Cheese finger sandwiches with the crusts cut off for High Tea? No problem!

But you just try a cheddar bacon cheese burger with lettuce, tomato, pickles, and see where you end up: with a perfectly good bacon cheese burger now wrapped in ruined, condiment-slimed lettuce liberally sprinkled with spongy, soggy crumbles of what 2 moments ago a bright plastic package assured you was a "White Hamburger Roll," or else this monstrosity:

And they were really TRYING to make this look good!

 Blech! 

The saddest cheese ever grilled

Seriously, look how depressed these GF sandwich attempts are:  


Is it me, or does that ham we see wedged between "Bread" look ashamed of itself?


                                                                                  

                                                                                 

The Legendary Philly Cheese Steak

The Italian Hoagie, a Philly Favorite

Suffice to say,  you can totally forget about Philly Cheese Steaks,Italian Hoagies, Meatball Subs,  Chili Cheese Dogs, Monte Cristos,  Rubens, The Turkey Club (King of Sandwiches!) everything featured on Sandwich Monday. Seriously. Even a plain old egg salad on rye is an impossibility. 

And it's wrong. Just plain wrong. Sandwiches, as you know, are the most perfect food ever invented by people. And it is exceedingly cruel to deprive an entire percentage of the population with the most perfect food group just because no one has yet managed to develop a decent sandwich bread. 

The Meatball Sub

Monte Cristo

Classic Chili Cheese Dog with Onions

The Reuben

King of Sandwiches!

The Humble, yet Delicious, Egg Salad on Rye

What I can't figure out is why. I used to buy into the hype that GF bread is just an exceedingly difficult, expensive, and exacting process that renders it virtually impossible, and therefore we all just have to settle and  make due with what we have. 

But after my cookie discovery, (I was going to blog about this first, but Sandwich Monday distracted me. But the gist of it is: 1 Extra egg. 1 additional egg to whatever your recipe, be it a box mix or Internet find, is all the difference between weird, crumbly, dry-textured GF cookies and regular fucking delicious proper cookies! I'm still investigating this egg conspiracy, but I'll get back to you on it soon) I have become exceedingly skeptical. 

I highly suspect the GF community of being 1) lazy, 2) pushovers and,  3) allowing people with additional allergies beyond gluten to ruin things for those of us with only 1 severe allergy. 

Ok, people who cannot eat eggs, dairy, nuts, etc. YES my heart goes out to you. But I CAN eat eggs, so why should I have crumbly cookies? Seriously. 

And while I'm ranting, I am sick and tired of paying 7-10 $ for bread that no person without allergies would pay 5 cents for.  Making someone pay 4X the cost of a regular loaf of bread for a loaf of GF bread that is 1/3 the number of slices and 1/2 the size per slice and only tastes "meh" is just wrong on so many levels. 

So, all that being said, it is my mission, my life's obsession, if need be, to discover or invent a delicious, pleasingly textured, appropriately sized, reasonably priced, proper sandwich bread.

Meem (Our obnoxious and affectionate word for my mother) has agreed to contribute a bread machine to the cause, and I am excited! Because when I finally figure it out, sandwiches will once again be available to all, Noelle will once again be able to concoct me the cheesy, melty, tomato-y brilliant things she used to make me on cold winter midnights, and one day, one day!! We WILL be featured on Sandwich Monday. 


This I vow.